you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.