FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES