My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
This trial is so absurd 😭