Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.