Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Haha! 😂
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog