yes, those are my real potatoes.
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
This January has 47 Mondays
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Rt to bother an English speaker
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”