Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
*ernest hemingway voice*
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Florida be like…
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Noah
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”