Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*