What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.