Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.