Meowchelangelo
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I needed a laugh this morning.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.