You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
You Might Also Like
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
#Caturday
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)