Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.