Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!