Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
You Might Also Like
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
All generalizations are stupid.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
synchronized noseblowing
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.