My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Oh hi lol
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.