I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked