*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“What movie?” 🤔
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Me sliding into hell like
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt