It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
You Might Also Like
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.