[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?