I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am