Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.