You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever