My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”