My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
bout dat hot dog summer
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Dishonest mechanic?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers