You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Thursday Thought.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.