I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
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Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“I FIXED IT!”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I hope this email finds you in a well
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong