[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.