Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’m awake but I object,
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.