I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly