men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Sounds like a bargain
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”