I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
The days of good grammer has went
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The struggle is real
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.