Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool