Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
No, he would not have.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*