Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.