Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I am also baked goods
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.