Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
You Might Also Like
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.