*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.