The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot