Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW