If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
classic mixup
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”