5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
o shit
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow