Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?