Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?