As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.