*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.