My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints