Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct