My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
They got Raph!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.