her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.